Admitting You Have a Problem

[pirateangelbaby]

He'd been doing so well before all this. Or at least he thought he had. He'd stopped stashing ale and mead in his living room by the barrel, spent less time drinking and more time going outside and actually trying to tackle the mountain of paperwork that's been building up in the administrative center, even if he hadn't gotten very far. Sure, he'd still drank, but more out of habit than the need to do something, anything with himself. He'd started to get his life back, little by little, struggling to find a new normal and establishing a new routine.

But then Loki left, and there's been no word since.

The children are a delight to have around, and there are times when he feels it's easier to rally himself for their sake, to make sure they're fed and bathed and cared for. As have the ravens, who are growing like mischievous little weeds, both reliant on him and yet also soothing him at times when he is feeling low, hopping into his lap and insisting on being stroked and pampered.

But he is making it up as he goes along. He doesn't know what he's doing, or how much longer he'll need to pretend that he does. And now that he's paying attention, he can tell that there is something still wrong with him, because he's going through his reserves much faster now than he was a few months ago. And he doesn't want to know what will happen if he runs out.

The children are safely under Solvi's watchful eye, under the pretense of helping her around the house while she cares for her baby. Huggan and Miskunn are napping atop a bookshelf, and Thor carefully closes the door behind him as quietly as he can when he leaves. If he's fortunate, maybe he'll be back before they awaken, and they won't scold him for venturing out without them.

By now, he knows his way to the Viper's Pit well. One of the only Nexus establishments to serve drinks strong enough for gods, it's been his primary companion on his descent into his illness, and the steps he's taken to struggle back up. Thor hopes that the other Loki hasn't noticed how many of those barrels have been being shipped to Asvera; he's tried to avoid being there at the same time as the young trickster. Not because he does not want to see him, but because he knows something is not right, and Loki is far too perceptive not to realize that Thor is trying to hide how little he knows what he's doing.

He shouldn't be there now, Thor hopes. He isn't usually, this time of day. The thunderer opens the door to the tavern, and heads inside to pick up the order he'd called ahead.

Comments

[magpiemythos]

Unfortunately for Thor, Loki had indeed noticed his prodigious consumption habits. And despite his own hopes, it wasn't temporary, and in fact seemed to only grow worse over time.

He wasn't entirely sure what to do. He was well aware that Thor was buying in a type and amount that would definitely effect him. Too much. And any vague hope that he was just helping stock everyone in the little Asgardian village was rather spoiled by how determined it seemed that Thor was to avoid him when he picked up his orders.

It was the same bartender who answered the phone when Thor called, surely that meant that Loki was away either on some business or assisting Cricket with his own endeavors.

And unfortunately for Thor, the bartender rather looked like Loki from behind, so there was nothing to warn the thunderer that anything was off. At least until he got to the bar and the one behind it turned on his heel in a slow, almost lazy manner.

That certainly wasn't Alex.

"Thor!" Loki's brows lifted as he played at surprise, hands still busy drying a glass. "What a pleasant happenstance!"

Busted.

[pirateangelbaby]

"Loki!" Thor falters midstep, surprise flickering to guilt and back again. He hadn't expected this, hadn't planned ahead, had figured he could get in and out without anyone ever being the wiser. And yet he isn't doing anything wrong, is he? He's legally purchasing goods, that's all. Never mind what those goods are. Never mind what they're for.

Then why does it feel like being caught by his mother after sneaking out of bounds?

"I... didn't expect to see you here," Thor stammers, a beat or two too slow to be natural, and curses himself for his slowness. What is wrong with him? He should be able to improvise on the fly, as he has for hundreds of years. This is Loki. This should be easy.

It's not.

"What are you doing here at this hour?"

[magpiemythos]

"Normally I am away at this hour," Loki allowed, setting the dry glass and rag down with a shrug. Almost casual. Everything about him straddling that fine line of almost playing along. "It makes me almost think you were trying to avoid me!"

A little moue of noise as he blinked almost as if injured by the thought.

"But surely not, just a coincidence. Like Alex having to go run a few errands for me, such a helpful young man. But come, sit! I can help you as well as he can!"

You're not getting out of it that easily Thor, sorry.

[pirateangelbaby]

Maybe he can still salvage this. Thor has never been the smoothtalker of the family, particularly when it comes to pulling the wool over his brother's eyes. But he's not doing anything wrong. He's not.

"Loki, don't be silly," Thor says, summoning up a smile that seems just a touch too nervous, a small laugh that's just a touch too off. "Of course I'm happy to see you. I always am. You're just not usually here when I come by."

Yes, this is the right tack to take, he's pretty sure. Play along, make nice, get his drinks and go home. Don't let Loki see that he's making it up as he goes, that he doesn't know what he's doing. Don't let him think that his other brother was wrong to trust him with the children in his absence.

He hesitates, not really wanting to sit down. That feels too much like settling in for a long visit when all he wants to do is leave. But Loki will be suspicious if he doesn't, right? After a long, long moment, Thor slowly reaches for a barstool and sits, worrying his hands against one another. "I called in an order to pick up," he says, as if Loki doesn't already know. "I wasn't planning to stay long; I have to get back soon. You know how ravens are if you leave them on their own," he adds, seizing upon the excuse with a relieved smile.

[magpiemythos]

Surely not doing a thing wrong. No not at all. That squirming nervousness was just silliness right? Nothing to feel guilty about here!

Loki pretends like he doesn't seem that nervousness. Lets Thor think that for now everything seems perfectly reasonable, like his unease wasn't broadcasted like it was on a neon sign for any observant enough to see. Smiles brightly as his brother takes a seat, nodding as he plucks up the clipboard from under the bartop where orders were logged.

"Oh yes, ravens can be tricky things," How badly was Thor still hurting? It made Loki ache just thinking about it, something he tried not to let bleed into his tone or smile. "But surely whoever you have watching the children while you're on this errand are more than capable of keeping the ravens entertained a few minutes extra. You've a little time to visit!"

Excuse denied!

[pirateangelbaby]

The smile falters now too, and Thor frowns, continuing to fidget. "Well, I... suppose you're right." A few minutes. He can do that. Deflect, deny, ease Loki's worries and get back home. Simple.

Should he order a drink? That's a normal thing to do in a tavern, especially when you're socializing. It's not like it's something Thor hasn't done a thousand times before in better days, and it hadn't meant anything then. "A glass of ale, then?" he asks, trying to put the smile back, as if they were both youths celebrating after a successful hunt. That's all this is. Just hanging out with his brother. "How've you been?"

[magpiemythos]

Simple!

Except totally not.

"Ale? Honestly Thor, you need to expand your horizons!" Loki tutted as he plucked up a pair of glasses, filling them with something a dark, rich purple shade that clearly wasn't ale, one being nudged his brother's way. "Try this. Blackberry cider, rather good if you ask me."

Non-alcoholic as well, he knew some brought their kids when they came around for meals so he figured it would be prudent to have some 'kid-friendly' options beyond sodas. Well, non-Asgardian kid-friendly anyways. He's not giving you any more booze Thor, gosh he's not gonna enable you!

"Busy!" How did you do it? Just blurt out that he knew? Demand to know why Thor hadn't reached out? Did he not trust him but then with things like this it wasn't... like that. Not that this stopped that anxious little barb from working in his heart, making his cheer seem a bit more strained. "But you know me, always lots of irons in the fire. What about you, what're you up to these days? How're you holding up?"

Would he luck out and hear Thor come clean? Probably not but he felt like he needed to give him every chance. Loki knew how it would hurt him if the roles were reversed and Thor didn't at least try to let him come clean himself even if he doubted he'd do so.

[pirateangelbaby]

Thor's heart seems to sink into his stomach when Loki shoots him down, a strange chill spreading through him. It's strange, and uncomfortable, and he doesn't like the way it makes him feel as though he's lost some kind of battle before it even started. What's worse is he isn't sure why. He has no reason to fear a different drink, no reason to think that Loki is judging him for his choices. What is his problem?

A part of him knows it, but does not want to name it. In part because he doesn't have the words, and in part because acknowledging it out loud would make it real.

So he takes the cider and sips it, and it is quite good, if lacking that alcoholic tang to it. "This is delicious," he agrees, a little surprised. It's not what he wanted, but not every drink has to be able to get him drunk, right? He takes another drink, listening to his brother's chatter, casual and unassuming and utterly normal. Maybe he can still get through this all right. "Busy," he echoes with a wry sort of smile. "Looking after the kids while Loki's away," and oh he doesn't like the anxious twist in his gut when he thinks about how little he's heard from his other brother since his departure. "And the garden's growing well, I've started a bed of thyme that's growing like crazy."

[magpiemythos]

Loki could feel that knot in his stomach like a cold pit of iron as Thor continues to dissemble. A faint smile for Thor's enjoyment of the cider, though it was a short-lived thing. Nothing for it. He would have to start the conversation, would have to confront Thor, and hope that the Thunderer didn't wind up hating him for it.

"Sounds like you've quite the green thumb," He settled his hands against the bar, his own drink untouched as his gaze fell to the clipboard, to the order written there almost like an accusation. Steeled his nerve. "There is... something else though. That I think we need to have a little talk about."

A small, almost boyishly apologetic smile turned Thor's way, something nervous in it. "I think... that I was hoping it would take care of itself. Things do that sometimes! But not this, I'm afraid."

[pirateangelbaby]

Thor's grip on the glass tightens a little, and he's quick to set it down before he cracks it in his nervousness. Maybe this is something else? Maybe Loki has a problem that has nothing to do with Thor, something that he needs his brother's help with. Deep down, he knows that's not it, not with that look on his face like he's visiting a sick relative. "Whatever it is must be quite the problem," he says with a false laugh, feeling utterly slow in his deflection.

He used to be quicker than this. Quick enough to fool his clever brother, once in a while. But now it's like trying to wade through molasses, his own anxiety bogging down his thoughts and leaving his tongue too muddled to cover for him.

[magpiemythos]

"Unfortunately so. And it's not one with an easy solution." Loki huffed a faint, uneasy sigh, fingers picking uncertainly at the page on the clipboard.

"I do the inventory. So... I know what people are ordering, how often, and... how much. And while my staff might not know, I'm keenly aware of how much is too much for an Asgardian..." He trailed off a moment, searching for some way to say things, some way that wasn't accusing, might not send Thor out the door. "You need help, brother. I might... not be an expert but I want to help you, if you'll let me."

He knew that much at least. That nothing would change, nothing would get better unless Thor realized he had a problem, wanted to make a change.

[pirateangelbaby]

With every word, that stone that seems to be sitting in Thor's belly gets colder, and without the glass in his hands to keep them occupied he's fidgeting, worrying them against one another, a nervous wringing that he seems helpless to stop. Loki knows. He knows.

He knows that Thor is not capable of dealing with the kingship and the children and the waiting. He knows that Thor isn't getting better, not like he'd hoped, not like Eir thinks he is. He knows that Thor needs the drink as strongly as he needs water or air or sunshine. He knows that Thor is failing, that he doesn't know what to do, trapped in a cycle that seems to have no end.

"Help?" he repeats, attempting a laugh that comes out strangled and a little too high. "You're... you're mistaken. I'm fine. Maybe your numbers are wrong. These things happen, you know? I've always ordered this much." He hasn't. It's a terrible lie, a terrible excuse, but he's gripped by an anxiety that seems to seize his thoughts entirely. Loki knows. He knows.

[magpiemythos]

"No, Thor."

He tries to strangle down the flash of hurt at the front, the lies that spill almost desperately from Thor. It wasn't personal. It wasn't because he was Loki. It was because Thor was hurting, and this was some desperate attempt to salve that.

"I checked more than once. Because I made that same excuse at first. That it wasn't that big a difference. And from one delivery to the next, it wasn't a large difference, but sitting down and looking at the whole trend..."

Loki saw that anxiety, reaching to take his brother's twitchy hands in his, giving them a squeeze.

"Please let me help you."

[rogueinladysclothing]

It's unusual for Amelia to receive a phone call from someone she doesn't interact with regularly, but the request from Loki - any Loki - to help Thor out of the hole he's drunk himself into is one she's glad to get. Her friend needs her help and if she can offer him aid to get him off the destructive path he's on, she'll do so without hesitation. Thor has given her so much that's helped her through some of her darkest hours; Now it's her turn to give him the same.

She decides to start the conversation over text. From her own experience, she knows how horrible it can be to have someone show up at your door and ask you why you're doing something to yourself. Even help that's offered on someone else's terms can be hard to accept. So she'll begin small, and build up to asking him the truth in person.

Are you free this afternoon? I can't stay focused on any of my reading today and was wondering if I could visit for a while.

There's a possibility of Loki's charges being underfoot, but that's manageable. She's handled all four of them and Thor at the same time in the past, and she's certain she can make it work again now if necessary. They'll need time without the children to really talk about the issue at hand, but there's no need to worry about that until it's actually a reality.

[pirateangelbaby]

It is fortunate that the children are under Solvi's watchful eye at the moment, because Thor spares no thought for them as he rushes to return home, to get away from Loki and his pointed questions that slip under his skin like a knife. He has not had a panic attack in what must be weeks, if not months, but he feels dangerously close as the door bangs closed behind him. There's a startled cry from the ravens in their perch, but he pays them no heed either, moving to immediately pour himself a drink from his limited reserves.

It doesn't matter how little is left. He needs it now more than ever.

He's had enough to start to feel fuzzy when the phone on his kitchen table jingles at him, still far more sober than he wants to be. His grip tightens on the glass, and for a long moment he agonizes over whether to ignore it. It's probably Loki, again. Thor doesn't want to talk to him. He knows what will come of it. More arguing, more panic, just when he's started to feel as though he's gotten his feet under himself again. He just needs another drink.

He downs the rest of the glass in one go, and picks up the phone, squinting at the screen. To his relief, it's not Loki after all, but the twisted knot of anxiety under his ribs does not go away. He carefully pokes back a brief reply. Not a good time.

He should probably suggest an alternate time to meet, as he's enjoyed her visits many times before. But between the fear that still has its grip on him and the beginnings of inebriation that is slowly sinking its claws into him, he can't consider saying anything else. Does not realize that this, in itself, will come across as strange even as he tries to act as though everything is fine.

[rogueinladysclothing]

She knows why it's not a good time. In Thor's place, she would say the same or more to get the person reaching out to her to leave her alone. On the one hand, she doesn't want to push on him and possibly drive him away. On the other, she knows letting him go without so much as attempting to force a meeting could make things worse. Both are options she's loathe to admit to or try, but she has to try something.

That's all right. If today isn't good, would you mind if we planned for tomorrow? Having something to look forward to should make my books a little more interesting.

It's all she can think to do right now. Forcing the issue by showing up in Asvera unannounced will only complicate matters. Giving up at the first sign of resistance will actively harm any of her efforts to offer help and support. A first step needs to be taken, and Amelia has to be the one to make it happen.

[pirateangelbaby]

It's getting hard to focus on the words on the little screen, but he sees the word tomorrow and latches onto it, ignoring the rest. It can wait until he sobers up, he figures. It's the most important part, isn't it?

Sure

Anything more seems like too much effort. He tops up his glass and drinks again, feeling that knot of panic slowly start to unfurl, muffled and soothed in the warm haze of alcohol. He's fine. Everything is fine.

There's a fluttering and a small set of claws on his shoulder, and a croaking noise in his ear. He reaches up to roughly pat the raven, not sure if it's Huggan or Miskunn, and not much caring. It's nice not to be alone, with someone who isn't going to judge him. Who isn't going to tell him that this is a problem, that his greatest method of coping is wrong. He needs this.

Doesn't he?

[rogueinladysclothing]

That's... an answer and it's technically a yes, so Amelia's going to take it. She'll let Thor have the last word today and to cope with what he's feeling in whatever way he feels is necessary without interruption. It might be the last time he feels free to do so without feeling guilt or shame for doing so, and things will be difficult enough as they start to address the destructive habits he's picked up. No matter how gently she starts that conversation, they're both going to feel some sort of hurt for it.

So she leaves the conversation for the day, trying her best not to think about how to try again as she researches cures for hangovers and alcohol poisoning. For all her desire to help her friend through this, Amelia knows she doesn't have all the expertise required; Her vices have never included alcohol and even a single night of research can only help at this point.

Late the following morning, the rogue works up the courage to reach out to Thor again. It should be late enough by now that Thor's had a chance to get his day started properly and, better yet, the right time to ask about a meal together. It should be an easy thing to accept, right?

Still up for a visit today? We could do lunch, if you're up for the company. I could even bring it with me if you don't feel like going out somewhere.

She takes a breath after hitting send. There's no need to be anxious yet, she reminds herself, when she hasn't even given him time to respond. To focus herself, she takes a few minutes to organize a few things in her apartment as a way of busying her hands while she goes over everything she read about during her research the night before.

[pirateangelbaby]

Were he thinking more clearly, Thor might be more inclined to ration his dwindling supply, knowing that it may be some time before he can find a reliable source of more godlike alcohol. But he's not. Once he starts, it's difficult to stop, and one drink leads to another. And another.

He wakes up on his couch the next day, head aching fiercely and a terrible taste in his mouth. He's not quite sure how long he stays like that, sitting still and hoping he does not lose whatever's still in his stomach, before he manages to drag himself to the washroom. The house is in a bit of a state, and there's no sign of the children, which sends a surge of adrenaline through his muzzy brain until he remembers he'd left them with Solvi. Had he told her to keep them overnight? He doesn't remember, everything past leaving the Viper's Pit is a rapidly darkening blur.

A shower is a bit beyond his ability at the moment, but he splashes some water on his face and ties his messy hair back away from his face, and trades his shirt for one with less stains on it, feeling wrong and yet not quite able to get himself to do anything about it. Thor can't quite face breakfast, either, instead pouring himself a glass of water and adding an infusion of mint from the pantry, his heart aching nearly as much as his head. Loki would've made me drink it.

He does not recall texting Amelia, but when the phone buzzes next to where he's half-slumped against the kitchen table, he blinks in surprise at what it says. When did they talk about this? How late is it? It's hard to tell sometimes, when the sun begins rising late and setting early. He's not fit for company, but it seems more important to be as normal as possible so she doesn't worry about him. Head propped up against his metal hand, he slowly pokes out a reply with the other.

Staying in sounds good. See you in an hour?

That has to be enough time, right? He'll drink his water and get his head in order, and everything will be fine.

[rogueinladysclothing]

Of course. See you then.

It's time enough for Amelia to ground herself and her magic before she obtains something for them to eat. Loki said Thor left the Viper's Pit in a bit of a state, so something simple would be best. As she steadies herself and gathers all the calming herbs and oils she can think of, she orders them a basic charcuterie board and a few cups of various light soups from a local deli. She's not sure it'll be the right call, but everything will be easy enough for her to pick at so she can pretend she's able to get food into her stomach while it's in knots. To not put any further pressure on her body, though, she takes the time to change into a simple long-sleeved shirt and jeans before she heads out.

A little over an hour later, the rogue arrives at her friend's door, a bag of food in one hand and a cooler filled with ginger ale in the other. She takes a breath to calm her heartbeat and schools her expression into something approaching neutral. She can do this. It will take time and all of her patience, but she will help her friend starting today.

Knocking softly, she manages a small smile as she waits for Thor to answer the door. It should be more than convincing enough through the haze of his hangover, though she hopes she can make it last long enough to start the inevitable difficult conversation they're going to have.

[pirateangelbaby]

An hour should be plenty of time, and yet Thor's not quite sure where that time went when the knock comes at the door. His head still aches, and the bathroom is a mess best not spoken of, but he's managed a whole glass of water and that counts for something.

"Just a moment," he calls out, not quite as loud as it probably should be, and double checks to make sure the bathroom door is closed and the empty glasses are in the sink. There's a smell of ale in the house where he must have spilled some on the carpet, but there's nothing that can be done about that right now.

He's been avoiding mirrors, so he does not know how rough he looks as he pasts a smile on and opens the door. "Good morning." At least, he hopes it still is.

[rogueinladysclothing]

It's difficult for Amelia to hold her smile when she sees how terrible Thor looks. He doesn't smell particularly good either, but there's nothing that can be done about that right now. There will be plenty of time for difficult conversations after she's gotten inside and managed to get him to eat something. Dreams only knows how difficult that might be if, as Loki intimated, Thor doesn't see his drinking as a problem.

"Good morning. I brought a light lunch we can enjoy at our leisure today." She lifts her hands briefly to show off her bounty. "Might I come in? I can at least get the breads, cheeses, and dried fruits set up on a plate for us to start with if you're not in the mood for soup."

She wants to push her way in to get the upper hand here, but she knows that won't help him right now. Taking care of himself and changing his habits needs to be Thor's decision; All Amelia can do is offer to be at his side when he needs help along the winding path ahead of him.

[pirateangelbaby]

"Sure. Come on in." Normally, her refusal to enter without a face-to-face invitation strikes him as quaint yet admirable. Today he's just glad that she messaged before coming over. She might have noticed the mess - both himself and the house - and then she'd be too busy fussing over him for them to have lunch.

Not that he's terribly hungry yet, his stomach still feeling a bit unsettled, but the way his head aches means he should probably try to eat something. Maybe next time he could suggest they get Bloody Marys.

With Amelia puttering around the kitchen setting up the meal, Thor retrieves a pair of glasses and is halfway across the kitchen before he realizes he shouldn't be pouring them both an ale this early in the day. His step stutters and he backtracks, trying to look natural as he returns to the cupboard to trade them for coffee mugs instead.

[rogueinladysclothing]

She takes a breath when she sees him all but trip over himself with indecision. A frown tugs across her features as she looks away to gather a few plates and some silverware. This was always going to be difficult, she reminds herself, and trying to hide from even the smallest things at the start will only make it more so. They will make it through this and she will help him through to the other side, however long that takes.

After taking another breath to steady herself, Amelia puts on a smile and heads out to the table. As she sets up their lunch, she looks over at Thor fondly. "Could you bring over some glasses for ginger ale as well?" she asks. "We don't have to open it right away, but I brought it with to give us some variety. If you're planning on coffee, though, I would love a cup." Not that she needs it at this point, but it'll give them both something to hold onto that isn't food.

Once their lunch is fully set, including a small plate and bowl set aside for each of them, the rogue takes a seat at the table such that she can clearly see into the kitchen from her position. She's not about to let Thor try to hide from her today, though she'll go easy on him with her opening question. "How are you feeling today? You look a bit tired."

[pirateangelbaby]

"Oh, uh, sure." Has he had ginger ale before? How strong is it? Thor is open to trying any ale, of course, even though this is breakfast. Or possibly lunch. Maybe that will make him feel better and chase off the hangover.

His body language is a little more relaxed as he grabs the glasses again, setting them on the table before he turns to brew the coffee. By now he can do it in his sleep, setting the kettle on the stovetop to boil the scoops of grounds in the Norwegian style. Still, he's glad to sit down, slouching a bit as if it will help his head stop pounding. At least this late in the year, he does not have to worry about sunbeams coming through the windows to seek his eye.

"Hmm? Oh, it's nothing," he says with a chuckle that sounds just shy of genuine. "Didn't sleep well, I think. No visions though," he hastens to add, in case that's what concerns her. "Just dreams, normal dreams."