She's not so lost in her own thoughts to notice his careful handling of her. They've been close to each other long enough that she's well used to this when something frightens her or sets off her anger or anxieties. On any number of other topics, she might be upset that he automatically assumed her being afraid meant she wanted to run, but not this time. This is something the affects them both and may determine the course of their future, of the whole of Asvera. All that does is make her want to hide more - and push through that same urge to speak to him when he's now willing to do so.
But where to start? This has been something on her mind for so long that the only thing she can think to do is to go all the way back to the start, to long before they met or even her coming to the Nexus.
It's time to drag out more of her own past from the shadows she keeps it in.
"You know what my plan for my family was, back home: do everything I could to gather the favors and money needed to get them a title so they'd have access to a better life." It's something they've spoken of at times and at various depths, so she doesn't want to go too far into it now, but it's the start of this. "When I still thought it would take decades of my life to accomplish that, I told myself I would never have a family. I wouldn't fall in love or have children of my own. I thought that, by the time I'd be free of the responsibilities I'd taken on as a child, it would be too late in my life. It would be better for me to remain alone and simply focus on my siblings' children."
Children she fully intended to pour all of her own money and time into, when she wasn't busy. Children she never really had the chance to know. Children she never will know, if more were born after she left. She frowns softly and drops her face to look at his collarbone, her hands moving to grip the one around hers tightly.
"I'm afraid... I'll be a terrible mother. There are so many things I've done that I fear passing on, even as lessons to those expecting me to... to be their everything." Who need her for everything, for a time. "What if I fail them? Or hurt them in spite of my best efforts? What if I'm too set in my ways to change for those who need me in ways I knew were impossible for me just a few years ago?"
She takes a slow breath and swallows hard. "What if I fail you if we do this by being a horrible partner? Or... or more, if being mother to your children means I should be more in the eyes of Asvera?" A mortal, but still queen consort - or something more. "I want to be the best I can be for you and our people, and I'm trying every day, but I'm as fallible as anyone else, and I don't want to make that worse by trying to be something I always thought I'd never be."
Does it make sense? Her wandering thoughts? They're all connected in her mind, but she realizes now that it's all out that he may not even understand. She sighs and tips her head to press her forehead to his shoulder. Dreams, this shouldn't be so hard, should it?
no subject
But where to start? This has been something on her mind for so long that the only thing she can think to do is to go all the way back to the start, to long before they met or even her coming to the Nexus.
It's time to drag out more of her own past from the shadows she keeps it in.
"You know what my plan for my family was, back home: do everything I could to gather the favors and money needed to get them a title so they'd have access to a better life." It's something they've spoken of at times and at various depths, so she doesn't want to go too far into it now, but it's the start of this. "When I still thought it would take decades of my life to accomplish that, I told myself I would never have a family. I wouldn't fall in love or have children of my own. I thought that, by the time I'd be free of the responsibilities I'd taken on as a child, it would be too late in my life. It would be better for me to remain alone and simply focus on my siblings' children."
Children she fully intended to pour all of her own money and time into, when she wasn't busy. Children she never really had the chance to know. Children she never will know, if more were born after she left. She frowns softly and drops her face to look at his collarbone, her hands moving to grip the one around hers tightly.
"I'm afraid... I'll be a terrible mother. There are so many things I've done that I fear passing on, even as lessons to those expecting me to... to be their everything." Who need her for everything, for a time. "What if I fail them? Or hurt them in spite of my best efforts? What if I'm too set in my ways to change for those who need me in ways I knew were impossible for me just a few years ago?"
She takes a slow breath and swallows hard. "What if I fail you if we do this by being a horrible partner? Or... or more, if being mother to your children means I should be more in the eyes of Asvera?" A mortal, but still queen consort - or something more. "I want to be the best I can be for you and our people, and I'm trying every day, but I'm as fallible as anyone else, and I don't want to make that worse by trying to be something I always thought I'd never be."
Does it make sense? Her wandering thoughts? They're all connected in her mind, but she realizes now that it's all out that he may not even understand. She sighs and tips her head to press her forehead to his shoulder. Dreams, this shouldn't be so hard, should it?